Seeing the World with Two Eyes Open

I’m disappointed in you. I look into your eyes and see this girl who is just lost and can’t find her way. I miss knowing you really knowing what you wer thinking.  I’d do anything to go back to when we would walk along the halls and share stories and laugh and there was never a dull moment. No fights, just perfection.  You see our friendship was as close to perfect as you can get and now it is anything but.  I hear you sometimes and you don’t even sound like my friend. That same girl that was so alive before has slowly gone. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I miss you. You probably won’t read this anytime soon but seeing as though one chapter in my life is closing I guess I wish you were part of this one. I wish I could have looked back and been able to smile saying you were right there with me.  I’m angry  but mostly I’m really sad. I hope one day we can have some sort of normalcy in our friendship, but to be honest I don’t think thats ever going to happen. So as graduation is upon us I want to thank you. Thank you for being my family, friend, and so much more. If anything…I owe you that. 

I hate the way you insult me.
I hate when you grab my hair and push me to the floor.
I hate that you always blame me and make me feel like shit when it’s your fault.
I hate how I can’t escape from you.
I hate how I’m turning into you.
I hate that no one gets it and that my best friends blame me for it.
I hate how your manipulate.
I hate what you’ve done to the greatest man I’ve ever met.
I hate that part of me is you.
I hate that I still cry over you.
I hate that no matter how much I pray, plead, ask, or beg nothing will change. I’m trapped and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
So here goes yet another teenage rant the kind that I hate the most. Here’s to you…piece of shit.

One show.

One night.

For all of the woman of Bosnia I solute you.

Jelena…I hope I did enough.

Just like everyone else I watched the video and I felt moved. I don’t know one person who would watch something like that and not be. I know I’m going to be seen as a selfish bitch for posting this but bottom line is that it shouldn’t take a viral video for people to care. We should constantly want to educate ourselves about the world around us. Fact is that most people if given a map of Africa would not be able to tell you where the hell Uganda is. I want us to come together and help for a greater cause but like I said we need to EDUCATE ourselves. So after I saw the video I looked in depth further and found this source that is legitimate. 

http://www.reddit.com/r/TrueReddit/comments/qkxvm/kony_2012/c3yfvii

I sat up last night and for whatever reason I was really hyper. I took a long shower and then read something. I read something that is really important to me. It’s a book that means more to me than most of the crap I have in my room. I turned each page and read….I read and kept reading. Then I started crying because memories were flashing about in my head. Memories that these writings only can mimic a fraction of what they mean to me. The beauty about something magical is that you’ll never understand why you got it or how you got it. Magic is one of the few things in this world that no one argues even though they can’t explain it. Although I know it is still inside…I miss the magic. I miss it with every fiber of my being. Reading this book reminded me of why it was magic in the first place…well the root of it anyways. All the stories shared were ones of deep meaning. I’m not perfect…I never will be but I’m gonna get that magic back. Not to argue or prove a point but because life without magic just isn’t as grand. So for that person who knows what this all means and gets where I am coming from just know I’m trying.

I don’t know how else to hint. I’ve sent long messages of plead and I don’t really know what to do anymore. I now recognize that at times you can’t expect people to be there. I’m not really mad anymore, I guess you can say I don’t have as much faith in you. Time passes and things change and change isn’t always a bad thing. This weekend once again solidified the idea that change is coming for me-real change. As I sit hear writing this before I leave to go out to hang out with Nicole I realize how much has changed just in these last 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago I hadn’t gotten in to any schools, had only auditioned for one (Jacksonville University) and I felt just lonely and lost. Now just a couple weeks later and I have been accepted into 4 schools including the best in the country for what I want to do with the rest of my life UNCSA!!!! I can’t describe to you how I feel. You work so hard for so long and you never really think results are going to come….but I now know that they actually do. After my skype interview I sat there for what felt like 10 minutes in awe. I couldn’t believe it…”ACCEPTED.” What I’m trying to get at is that I think I’m ready to start the new chapter in my life. I know that before I do that I have to finish this one and as much as I bitch and moan I am truly okay with that. I will miss 2012 so much, I’ll miss the theatre where my best memories were shared, I’ll miss the halls of the school that I grew up in, and I’ll miss the people I’ve known since I was 10 years old. I’m excited to move on for the simple fact that I won’t rely on anyone anymore. I won’t need a text or a call….I’ll be once again independent. I have the best friends in the world. Friends who take me out because they know I’ve had a rough couple weeks and if they can get me to laugh at some jank bar they’ll do it…friends who make me smile by just giving me a hug each day…friends who remind me that the simple things in life are the best…and friends who just listen…really really listen. I’m blessed. I’m blessed to be alive. I’m blessed to be in a place where I can constantly work on my craft. I’m blessed to have people who really do love and support me not just say that they do. Although it gets rough sometimes and I bitch I’m okay and I’m happy…I’m really happy. I’m living…so why complain? 

I woke this morning and took a drive. Passed by things I see on a daily basis only this time I really just focused in on them. I watched the people running down Apk and the jankies you can see working out at the Y through the window and even the people shopping at all the stores down sand lk. Put things in perspective for me…maybe there is a reason why all of this is happening? Maybe I have to face it because it will make me stronger. I look forward to the future. Look forward to new friends new adventures new journeys. This is my life my story….let’s go tell it

5 years. I’ve never been so horrified to hear something in my life. I try to pretend that it’s not real but today it hit me. My dad cried and I knew this wasn’t a joke. I’m scared…I’m really really scared.